Editor’s note: Man, there sure are a lot of oddly erotic pictures of Draco Malfoy out there on the interwebz. Seriously, conduct a Google image search of Draco Malfoy. It gets weird. Fast.
During Hockey Night in Canada’s marquee matchup between the Boston Bruins and Toronto Maple Leafs on Saturday night, CBC play-by-play announcer Joe Bowen referred to pesky Boston forward Brad Marchand as “the Bruins’ Draco Malfoy.”
As a Harry Potter enthusiast and general nerd, I enjoyed the comparison (though I’m not sure I agree entirely), and got to thinking – which of the NHL’s hockey personalities would join Draco Marchand in Slytherin House? Feel free to weigh in if I’ve omitted anyone.
Kevin Bieksa – The Vancouver defenseman possesses all the traits of a typical Slytherin. He’s talented. He’s mean-spirited. He plays with an edge, but you’d never see him go toe-to-toe with a legitimate tough guy. In the 2011 Western Conference Finals, for example, Bieksa willingly dropped the gloves with Sharks forward Patrick Marleau – a man not exactly known for his pugilism. One series later, he was nowhere to be found when the big bad Bruins were running his Canucks out of Boston.
Corey Perry – Supremely talented, incredibly cheap and nasty, and never seems to get his comeuppance for it. Perry is undoubtedly the Draco of SoCal.
Steve Ott – Anyone who needs Ott’s presence on this list explained probably hasn’t watched much hockey over the past decade. The ultimate shift disturber, Ott’s mouth is as brave as his fists are shy. A general douche.
Tuomo Ruutu – Ruutu, though very talented, plays the game with a reckless abandon that’s landed him in hot water with the league offices on more than one occasion. Known for delivering hard, dangerous hits, Ruutu is the type of guy any general manager would snap up in a heartbeat. But he’s still kind of a dick.
Daniel Carcillo – From his goonish hair and toothless grin, to the devastatingly dirty hits he delivers on an annual basis, Carcillo is quintessential Slytherin material. There were few hockey fans that sympathized with Carcillo when he suffered a season ending injury while apparently attempting to murder Tom Gilbert. He was suspended for the hit AND blew out his knee.
Jordin Tootoo – Similar to Carcillo in his approach to punishing opponents, Tootoo will often defend his actions with fists. But he’s also been known to sucker punch Stephane Robidas in the face for no apparent reason.
Matt Cooke – Cooke’s career-altering hit on Boston’s Marc Savard prompted NHL officials to rewrite the rule book on what constitutes a legal body check. He appears to be on the road to reform, but has done enough in his career to warrant a spot in Hogwarts’ most hated house. Maybe he’s in store for a Snape-style redemption as his career tails off, but the jury is still out.
Steve Downie – He’s calmed down as his career has progressed, but Downie managed to rack up a mega suspension before he’d even suited up for a regular season NHL game. His preseason hit on Dean McAmmond was as scary an incident as you’ll see in hockey, and that reputation has followed Downie from Philadelphia, to Tampa Bay, and now Colorado.
Raffi Torres – If Brad Marchand is Draco Malfoy, Raffi Torres is Voldemort. He hits hard, he hits late, he hits to hurt, and generally does all of those things illegally. Despite numerous instances and multiple suspensions, Raffi just can’t seem to play the game hard and safe – which might make it reasonable to assume that Torres is just a mean and dangerous player. I’m betting it would take the Sorting Hat 1/100 of a second to stick Raffi in Slytherin, and I don’t even want to think about the Quidditch suspensions he’d rack up.
Michel Therrien – Banning low-five celebrations by his players after victory? Really? What a dick. If you don’t like low fives, go teach potions. Slytherin!
Honorable mention: Milan Lucic – Milan falls just short of a spot in Slytherin, despite running over Buffalo goaltender Ryan Miller and then pretending it was an accident. Lucic is undeniably tough, but is prone to some less-than-honorable on-ice antics that are enough to make you question his maturity, if not his character. Plus, he just really has that Slytherin look. But since he’s tough enough to go tangle with the league’s best, and typically won’t take on an opponent below his weight class, we’ll give Lucic a pass. But with that giant beak and menacing eyebrows, he’s at least got to be part of the Durmstrang envoy.
In case you were wondering, Pierre McGuire would totally be in Hufflepuff. Sure, he’s still technically a wizard, but nobody takes him seriously. And yes, Barry Melrose is of course a squib.