Raffi Torres is still a giant dick hole; Sharks cursed?

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It’s Thursday, and you know what that means! Time for your Friday Five. Why? Because it’s ironic, like hipsters, or that Alanis Morissette song that’s ironically not really about irony. 

1. In case the NHL lockout allowed you to forget, even a LITTLE bit, what Raffi Torres did to Marian Hossa in last year’s playoff series between the Blackhawks and Coyotes, please revisit the moment by reading this article. Raffi Torres is a gigantic piece of shit. His next offense should earn him a lifetime ban (as if he doesn’t deserve one already).

Marian Hossa didn’t miss any time this season, but that’s only because the entire NHL missed half the campaign. Hossa wasn’t cleared to play until a month before the lockout ended, so he’d have missed at least 25-percent of Chicago’s games in a full schedule. The two will face off against each other tonight for the first time since last Spring’s gnarly incident, and I, for one, hope a little retribution is doled out. I don’t think there are many hockey fans that wouldn’t enjoy watching Torres take a Shawshank jail cell-style beating.

2. I think it’s safe to assume that some sort of witch doctor placed a curse on the San Jose Sharks that only allows the team to have one line producing offense at a time. Either the top line is good, or the second line is good. If the third line miraculously has a decent game, the defense completely shits the bed. For an example, please see all 60 minutes of Tuesday’s Blackhawks-Sharks game.  

3. The New York Islanders just announced that they’ve acquired survivalist neo-con Tea Party nutjob Stanley Cup winning goaltender Tim Thomas from the Boston Bruins for a conditional second round pick. The condition is that Obama doesn’t take away Timmy’s Ted Nugent commemorative crossbow and sell it to the Chinese. 

So I guess this means Garth Snow and Tim Thomas have something in common aside from being former NHL goaltenders who then wandered into a realm they had no real qualification for – they both prepare for the worst. The Islanders already have Evgeni Nabokov and Rick DiPietro under contract, so one assumes that this move is in anticipation of DiPietro’s “Inevitable Freak Groin Pull Incident of the Future.” 

Tim Thomas was unavailable for comment, because he’s living in a hollowed out mountain somewhere in the Rockies, hiding from homosexual Oreo cookie salesmen and Mark Zuckerberg. If Thomas fails to report to the Islanders, he’ll be automatically suspended without pay. But if Garth Snow really wants to make a statement, he should give the backup job to a Mexican. 

4. Will Smith was spotted at last night’s Bruins-Canadiens tilt in Montreal. This is only the second weirdest place I’ve seen Will Smith. I once spotted everyone’s favorite Fresh Prince behind the second stage at Ozzfest 2005, because apparently Jada Pinkett Smith thought that being in a screamy metal band would be fun. Which it might have been, for her. Anyone else hope that Smith was in town studying for a role? He would win the SHIT out of an Oscar playing Willie O’Ree.

5. The Anaheim Ducks are the second best team in the entire NHL. Check out their top six on defense: Sheldon Souray, Cam Fowler, Luca Sbisa, Francois Beauchemin, Bryan Allen, Toni Lydman. Oh, and that’s WITH Jonas Hiller sporting a 3.54 GAA and a .871 save percentage. Yeah. It’s going to be a weird year.  

Bonus coverage: The Colorado Avalanche have more than 20-percent of their schedule and still have not signed Ryan O’Reilly. Luckily, they’ve gone 4-6-0 through 10 games, proving that they clearly don’t need the guy. 

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2 Responses to Raffi Torres is still a giant dick hole; Sharks cursed?

  1. Curran Roller says:

    I was going to read your Friday Five last night, but I had to get to my Ironic Softball league. It was epic: I dropped a routine fly ball on purpose, and some guy on the other team was wearing a San Francisco Giants T-shirt – even though their is called the Dodgers! Ah, it really is bitchen being bitchen.

  2. Curran Roller says:

    I was going to read your Friday Five last night, but I had to get to my Ironic Softball league. It was epic: I dropped a routine fly ball on purpose, and some guy on the other team was wearing a San Francisco Giants T-shirt – even though their team is called the Dodgers! Ah, it really is bitchen being bitchen.

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